if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
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