Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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