My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
