The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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