woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
