you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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