So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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