So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
