I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I will be naked everywhere
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
