I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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