My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
last night I used snow as a chaser
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
