Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
