I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
