if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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