She said her name was "party"
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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