i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
