you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
