We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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