: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
