happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You dont lie about slip and slides
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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