I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
