Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
