I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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