good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
