Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
