Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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