Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
