Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
