so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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