Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Can i not drive my cunt home
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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