My nipple is on Facebook.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
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