The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
