That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
