my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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