I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
