No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
