1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Soap is not a condiment
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
