the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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