I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
