1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
this beer tastes like vomit already
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Let's paint friendship bongs
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
