btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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