i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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