im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
