I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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