see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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