I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
