I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
