remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
