the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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