I am midnight drunk by noon
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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