I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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