when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
