Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
